Frodo's Diary
by aloof elf princess
Summary: The secret diary of Frodo Muriel Baggins. Not to be read. Never! Ever! This means you, Sam Gamgee!


Disclaimer: I don't own these characters - they all belong to the great Lord Tolkien. I don't own the diary idea either. In fact, probably nothing here is new. But please R&R anyway. P.S. Does anyone read these disclaimers anyway? I would be very interested to know.

**The Secret Diary Of Frodo Muriel Baggins. **

**Do not read. Never. Ever. This includes you, Sam Gamgee! **

            **22nd September   10pm**

**            Bag End**

Oh Elbereth! Cousin Bilbo's finally cracked. Gandalf said he could see it coming. He said the elderly often lose their wits. He said that anyone going through what Bilbo has would lose their sanity. He said "That Lucinda Proudfoot is quite a sex kitten, though…..oh, shiiiiit!" Think Gandalf may be going that way too. 

            Anyway, Bilbo was going on about being "spread too thinly". Agreed, then had him packed off…I mean, _arranged for him to have a nice, permanent, stay at Elrond's Home for the Elderly mad at Rivendell._

            **23rd September    12:04am**

**            My bed, Bag End**

**            Buggrit. After I so nicely arranged for him to stay at Elrond's Retirement home, went and left me all his possessions. Usual crap, namely smelly old house (should be named _Fag End, never seen so much cigarette ash before. Now know what __really happened when Bilbo went away to Lonely Mountain few years ago. Have heard dwarfs there quite talented at making mithril lungs.) lot of mouldy scabby furniture, literally millions of old unmatching wineglasses, bloody great wine cellar (caught that fool of a Took, Pippin there last night) festering robes and, oh yes, THE ONE RING CREATED BY THE DARK LORD SAURON WITH WHICH HE CAN ENSLAVE THE WHOLE OF MIDDLE EARTH. So, nothing important, then._**

            **11:53am**

**            Farmer Maggot's field  **

            Damn damn damn damn DAMN! Was just sneaking out back door to make run for it with Ring (was going to Rivendell to give it back to Bilbo) but Gandalf and that prick, Sam Gamgee popped up from nowhere. Bloody wizard. Before I could say anything, decided Sam would be my 'companion' and sent me on my way. Seems have accidentally gone on urgent mission. Bugger.

            **11:55am**

**            Still field**

Had just succeeded in losing Sam (go me!) when immature cousins Merry and Pippin ran into me. Pippin used incident as excuse for grappling with self until pointed out was not Merry, was in fact Frodo. His cousin. Incestuous prat.

            Turns out have been stalking self on epic journey of 2 minutes as want to visit Rivendell in hope of finding 'elf babes'. Apparently, there are eight female elves to every male elf there. Have to investigate that further.

            **27th September    1:21am**

**            Prancing Pony**

**            Oh, Elbereth. Have somehow managed to pick up stupid greasy haired human. He looks very mangy, obviously untrustable as kept eyeing Ring, (maybe should stop wearing it on left ring finger) but Sam immediately invited him along with us. Does the poor guy think he looks attractive with that straggly, lank hair? Maybe I should offer to lend him my curlers.**

            **2:15am **

            Was woken up by Sam going "No, Mister Frooodooo isn't married, now will you shag me?" Poor guy obviously talking in his sleep.

            **28th September    8:31am**

**            Still in inn.**

**            Could have sworn Sam was on other side of bed last night. Now next to greasy haired human. Oh well. Obviously sleepwalks as well.**

            **4th October    5:19pm**

**            Midgewater marsh**

**            Know why they call this place Midgewater. Woke this morning with large red mark on neck. Sam said it looked like a lovebite but greasy haired human (or GHH) quickly interrupted saying midges were quite viscious here. Anyway, bloody marsh v. monotonous. Looking forward to Rivendell. Also, apparently are being chased by Ringwraiths. Joy.**

            **6th October    3:26pm**

**            Still in marsh **

**            Ringwraiths still following. Are after ring. Can't see why, as none of them have any fingers on which to wear ring, but never mind.**

            **8th October    8:30pm**

**            Marsh. Again.**

**            Ringwraiths quite scary actually. Told Sam they should just wear those Scream masks, and that would improve hobbit/Ringwraith relations no end. He failed to see humour of situation. Am going to die undiscovered comedy genius. Hahahahaha.******

**10th October    1:13 am**

**            Weathertop**

**            Stupid bloody Ringwraiths. Are obviously jealous as I have One Ring and they are just disembodied cloaks. With bloody daggers. Was very reasonable when they appeared, offering to share the Ring. But no, stupid Wraith King would not agree, probably still remembering _that date, and plunged morgul blade into right shoulder, completely ruining tunic. Liked that tunic. Wraith King obviously cannot handle rejection. _**

**1:15am**

**            Wasn't my fault if I thought Wraith King was female until after third wedding anniversary. Suppose _King part of name should have been a hint. Did wonder why it was so hard getting it in._**

**1:18am**

**            Anyway, how _do you tell the sex of Ringwraiths? _******

            **11th October    3:29pm**

**            Random horse's back**

**            Was just perfecting 'oh no, I'm going to die!' face (solemn yet resigned) and making gasps as the fatally wounded always do, when some elf lady showed up and hauled me away from my loving followers. Draped me over her horse and galloped away like the wind. Didn't really mind, as elfy lady quite a babe. Glad spent so long this morning finding that plant thing for just the right shade of greenish pallor. Ladies are suckers for the sympathy/dying act.**

Quite dramatic chase featuring lady elf  (think her name is Arwen) and five of those bloody annoying Ringwraiths (honestly, will the Wraith King not just take a hint? We are so over!) Chase not as good as that car chase in The Fast And The Furious, though. Am slightly disappointed.****

            **12th October    5:52pm**

**            River Bruinen. Still on horse's back**

            V. pissed off. Elfy lady too melodramatic, stealing all my attention. Am the Ringbearer, after all! Also, am mortally wounded. But no. Had to challenge Ringwraiths (yep, they're still following. Thought they would be bored by now.) to "come and claim him". Then summoned power of her people, yadda yadda yadda, and river surged down and killed them all. Big bloody deal.

            **5:55pm**

**            Same bat time. Same bat place. **

            Yawn. Had just closed eyes for brief moment (oh, all right, was tanning eyelids) when dense elfy lady had a spaz attack. "Frodo, Froooodooo! Don't die, not now!" etc etc etc. V. boring actually. Think must have gone to sleep.****

            **24th October    10:00am**

**            House of Elrond**

**            Jeez. Woke up to see hairy monstrosity looming in front of face. Just about had a heart attack. On further inspection realised it was Gandalf. Smoking, as well! Would have thought he wouldn't dare to risk the already fragile health of self, but noooo. Still Ringbearer, what else do I have to do to get respect from these people? Already have strong, muscular body, handsome face and warm personality, and am of course v. modest!**

            **10:47am**

**            Bugger. Frodo and Balin rumour still doing the rounds.**

**7:30pm**

Nooooooo! Return of the Elderly Mad! Forgot Bilbo now 'resides' here (hehehe!) _Totally embarrassed me by doing his  'hysterically funny' impression of Flipper, then made me be that annoying kid. Again. Should've never taken that job, no matter how much needed the money. Oh, bugger! He's doing that fat guy from Fiddler On The Roof now! "If I were a rich man…" Aaaaaahhhh!_

**25th October    12:30 pm**

**Council Of Elrond**

Three Rings for the Elven-kings, Seven for the Dwarf-lords, Nine for Mortal Men, but does it mention hobbits? Does it traggots! Always suspected that bastard Sauron of blatant favouritism. But now I've got the One Ring, so na na na na na na na to all of you.

**12:37pm**

Buggerit. Nothing in the small print about a Fellowship. Obviously hobbits are grossly discriminated against. Stupid nancing elf Legolas; stupid greasy-haired human who turned out to be heir to the throne of Gondor - Aragorn of the perpetual greasy hair; twat Boromir; stupid stalkers Sam, Pippin and Merry; bloody Gandalf (El Beardo)  and some big hairy ball.

**12:50pm**

Hairy ball actually a dwarf. Ooooops. Also, I always thought Sam was kinda gay.

**12:43am**

Yep. He is.

**            29th October    4:19pm**

**            Muddy patch of grass.**

            Buggeritall. Why did I ever agree to take this tacky ring thing? Oh yeah, for 'the safety of all of Middle Earth.' Nothing to do with fame, glory and riches, ooohh no. And it was definitely _not to avoid Prue after we broke up, whatever Sam may say. Honestly.****_

**3rd November   5:16pm**

**            Fields somewhere**

**            Spent afternoon exchanging Westron and Sindarin swear words with Legolas. V. interesting and educational. Particularly like adunakhor myself. Interesting variations on traditional Common Speech curses. **

**8th November    11:28am**

**Hill somewhere in Hollin**

Bloody hell. Was walking peacefully over hill thing when bloody huge cloud of bird things appeared. Cunningly hid self vaguely near rock, as did most (intelligent members) of Fellowship, but prat Legolas and monkey spanker Boromir managed to get poetically _under damn bushes! Damn photogenic elves. And ugly prat human. (I think. Not immediately obvious.)_

**10th October    11:32am**

**Carahadras**

Huh. Got snowed in, and as didn't have handy inflatable snowplough, stupid prissy elf decided to show off by running along surface of sand. Highly overrated action

**11:47am**

Teeheehee. Not snow at all. Just v. bad case of wizard dandruff. Gandalf v. embarrassed, so are turning back.

**11:50am**

Dwarf looked quite amusing buried up to beard in white flaky stuff. Hahaha.

**13th October    2:59pm**

**Mines of Moria. Dark.**

Was dreading turning up at Balin's home after last time - and Merry and pippin were giving funny looks - but turns out Balin long dead. One less Chrimbo card to write. Dwarfy dood started crying. Hideous sight.

**15th October    3:42pm **

**Outside mines. At last.**

About bloody time too. Bloody scary in there. Orcs pooping up at every opportunity. Actually mistook Boromir for orc at one point. Thought he was going to cry. He really should invest in a brace for his teeth. They don't cost much, and it would save any other unfortunate cases of mistaken identity.

**3:44pm**

Oh yeah. El Beardo fell into shadow. Stupid overbearing bugger.

**17th October    1:01pm**

**Lothlórien**

Damn. Am in land of the elves with their bloody perfect hair. All that time in Moria, and not once did poncy Legolas get so much as a tangle in his hair. Even when fighting big dramatic battle, hair remained in place. Must get name of his hairdresser.

**1:03 pm**

Oh yes! Beat saucy elf queen at staring match! Go me, go me, go me…

**1:06pm**

Elf queen has just informed self via telepathic link that we were not having staring match, that I fail to understand the gravity of the situation and she was testing me. Yeah, right. Talk about bad losers.

**1:08pm**

Must remember not to slag telepathic beings.

**1:08pm and 30 seconds**

Stop listening to my thoughts, Elbereth dammit!

**12:47am**

Everyone else sleeping. Didn't know elves snored…

**12:48am**

Saucy elf lady walked past, obviously using her feminine wiles to get self in uncompromising situation. Must not let self get caught.

**12:49am**

Oh, bugger.

**2:57am**

Well, never done _that before. Under pretext of "looking into mirror" elfy lady lured poor innocent self away from bed. Never made use of … vibrator thing in quite that way before…. Still, quite educational. _

**2:58am**

Must find out where to purchase whip. Merely out of curiosity, of course.

**2:59am**

Anyway, what was she trying to do with her foot?!****

**3:02am**

Oh, damn. Knew had forgotten something… handy hobbit weed flavoured condom that Merry persuaded self to buy in Prancing Pony toilets. Oh well, serves elfy lady right if she gets…indisposed.

**3:05am**

Do elves get pregnant? Meaning, are there _baby elves? Kinda defeats whole 'immortality' thing. _

**18th October    5:12am**

Am anxious to get away from Lothlórien asap. Saucy elfy lady slipped card with her number on. Also showed her wearing _extremely revealing clothes. Quoted price, as well._

**5:24am**

Seen cards like that in Hobbiton telephone boxes. Wonder if is her business card. If so, she should wear something less revealing. 

**9:32am**

Pippin in v. bad mood this morning. Kept saying "I paid good money, as well. In advance. Promised whips and everything…"

**21st October    4:36pm**

**Anduin**

Thankfully are on journey down river. Now probably not right time to confess that cannot swim and am scared of water.

**23rd October   12:54am**

**Still River Anduin**

Bloody hard to sleep on boat, especially when Aragorn keeps accidentally rolling on top of self. Sam keeps sleepwalking over to Aragorn, as well. V. tired…

**24th October    8:17am**

**Anduin. Again.**

Woke up this morning feeling v. strange. Also, trousers were round ankles. I wonder if Sam and Aragorn are having an affair.

**28th October 3:55pm**

**Amon Hen**

Finally ashore. About bloody time too. Monkey spanker Boromir tried to grab a feel, but successfully kicked him in balls. (At least, I think it was his balls. May need another biology lesson. Galadriel's {aka saucy elfy lady} only detailed on female anatomy.)

**5:17pm**

Always knew Boromir insanely jealous. Oh diary, I can't help being perfect. Suppose should maybe have guessed the day he turned up with his hair in rollers - the day after he had his pubes transplanted onto his feet. Anyway, the short and short of it was, he tried to claim the ring for himself (probably so he could propose to me. Hehehe.) and when I refused politely he went and stabbed himself with an orc. Bloody stupid bastard.

**6:00pm**

Okay, have had enough. Am buggering off home.

**6:06pm **

Damnit! Sam has followed self. Stupid poof. Also have accidentally taken wrong turning and am now headed to Mordor. Knew should have stolen map.

 ****


End file.
